Dear Sir Guy, Dear Sir Guy,
My humblest excuses for My name is Janet and I am
intruding on your Lady of Dunoon, in
precious time, but I Scotland. I am English by
must have your advice birth, but married to
on, what must surely be Lord MCTough. I have been
in your eyes, a very living at his
peculiar matter. My northern castle for five
father, the Count of years now, and it is
Doornesteyn (that is there where my problem
Doornesteyn in Holland), problem lies.
has a distant relative
in England and he wishes Castle Dunoon has been in
me to pay him a visit so my husband's family for
that I can be exposed to over five hundred years
some good old-fashioned and he's awfully proud
English culture. of it, despite it being
Unfortunately for me, in a terrible state by
the good old-fashioned now. To put it straight,
English culture includes the place is damp and
horses. Here in windy. This winter being
Doornesteyn, located on very cold, our breath now
a small island, we do nearly freezes even when
not use horses but small we're near the fire. With
boats for the snow from the past
transportation. So you week, the children were
see, I have had no able to build snow men in
experience whatsoever the great hall, and at
riding on horseback. I nights I cannot sleep for
have tried to practise constant shivering.
on cows instead. We do
have plenty of cows here My husband's kin are all
in Holland, but you can very tough people and
imagine how unsuccessful they don't seem to have a
that has been. problem with the cold,
and neither does he. He
Since you are such an won't give me money for
excellent horseman extra capes or have the
yourself and since your castle restored simply
expertise of horses is because he is of the
well known even beyond opinion that it is warm
England's borders, I enough. I have tried
turn to you in my talking to him but he
despair. I do not wish simply will not listen.
to disgrace the house of
Doornesteyn with this What must I do?
little disability of
mine. I am in desperate Sir Guy, please help
need of some pointers. me. I'm freezing!
In short, my request to
you is that you will Yours shiveringly,
help me bluff my way
onto horseback. I would Lady Janet MCTough
be so grateful if you of Donoon
would help me, though I
do not know how I could
ever return the favour. Dear Lady MCTough,
Marie Elisabeth, As a man who lives in a
jonkvrouwe van cold, drafty castle, I
Doornesteyn (Mary truly sympathize with
Elisabeth, lady of your plight. Fortunately,
Doornesteyn - or Em however, the Sheriff
as my friends call me) hates the cold, so I've
yet to see snow in the
great hall.
Dear Lady of Doornesteyn,
The trouble obviously
You've come to the right lies with your insane
man for advice! Riding Scottish husband. You
is not an easy skill to must convince him that
acquire, but I believe I heat is essential. I have
may be able to give you devised a plan that
some of those "pointers" should get that message
you referred to in your across. If Lord MCTough
letter. Firstly, and will not listen to his
most importantly, you wife, perhaps he would
must attempt to mount listen to a prominent
the horse. Never Scottish duke or earl?
approach the horse from As you have only lived in
behind, but the front, Scotland for a short
and mount on the left time, you may not be
side. In fact, bring a acquainted with such men.
trusted servant with you That doesn't matter. You
to England. He should be just need to find someone
strong enough to lift who will impersonate a
you and brave enough to Scottish duke or earl. As
lead the horse, but I'm your household expenses
leaping ahead of myself. are controlled by an iron
fist, you'll need to find
When you are on the left a man who will do the
side of the horse, tell deed in exchange for a
your servant to lift you different kind of
onto the saddle. Perhaps reward...if you know what
he can practise by I mean. If such an
lifting you onto cows or enticement is
fences. Make sure you're unsuccessful (I've never
facing the right way. If met you, so perhaps it
you were on a cow you'd would be), then you could
be facing the end order a servant who your
chewing cud, not the one husband doesn't know very
leaving clumps of it all well to play the part. If
over the field. You will he's had to live in the
be using a side saddle, same conditions you have,
so you should try to my lady, surely he'll be
become accustomed to happy to volunteer!
one. If there are no
side saddles in Now, once you've found a
Doornesteyn, you should suitable disguise for
study the way Norman the "duke" or "earl," you
ladies sit. If you do must arrange for him to
not have an opportunity pay an unexpected visit
to study them, spread to the castle. He can
your skirts out to try then exclaim in a loud
to hide any mistakes. voice how cold and
If possible, your inhospitable the castle
servant should lead the is and say that only a
horse by the bridle pack of barbarians could
(that device on the live in such a place. He
horse's head with the can then refuse to stay
leather straps). If your and announce that he's
relatives wish to do any going to tell all his
extensive riding, you friends to stay away from
must feign an MCTough Castle and seek
indisposition. It could shelter somewhere else if
be one of those womanly they're cold and tired. A
diseases, such as the peasant's hut would be a
one my secretary keeps vast improvement...
catching. Whenever she
is suffering from this If this plan doesn't
disease, she refuses to work, I suppose you'll
do anything because it's have no choice but to
"that time of the return to England again!
month". Of course,
lately, it's been "that
time of the month" every
day of the month, so I'm
beginning to grow
suspicious. I suspect
that she contracted this
disease many years ago
and never recovered...
Sir Guy of Gisburne
P.S. Don't worry too much
about how you'll return
this "favour". I'll think
of something...
