I am stuck in a horrible situation and I just needed to ask for your advice! Please help me, noble sir! My father, the great King Pellinore, wants me to marry a horrible, stinking, greedy lord from King Arthur's court, but I don't want to! I overheard the men talking to an accomplice and saying that he was planning to steal a lot of money from my father as soon as he was married to me, and I don't want that to happen! I love my father deeply, but the man found out I was listening to his conversation and he threatened to kill me if I told my father. I know this awful man probably won't read this, but I trust you not to say anything to anybody Sir Guy! Also, that's not the whole story. I was out riding and I met a handsome young man. We love each other very much and we wish to be married! But how can I marry him if my father plans to send me to this evil old lord?! I have never disobeyed my father before, but I do not know what to do! Please help me. You're only hope!
~ Princess Sarah
Dear Princess Sarah,
Before my secretary disappeared so mysteriously, she suggested a possible solution to your...er...dilemma. I usually ignore everything she says, but I'm forced to admit that she might be right...for once. I believe her exact words were: "Tell the princess to play dead." If you pretend to be dead, you won't have to marry the horrible, stinking, greedy lord. However, Funny Voice said that you must bring your ahem, young lover into the act or he might do a...
a Romeo if he believes you are truly dead. No, I don't claim to understand her nonsense either. What I do understand is that he would make a good accomplice in your plot.
Now, this plan has its disadvantages (according to Funny Voice anyway). You won't be able to tell your father that you're alive. At least, not for some time. That evil toad may still decide to steal the money from your father.
However, if you can make it look like your fiance murdered you, he may not have the opportunity to steal the money. My secretary thinks you could return to your father about a month later with your chosen husband. You could tell your father that your handsome, young suitor found you half dead but (God's Teeth!) "tenderly restored you to life"! Both the marriage and your resurrection will supposedly please the old man immensely. He will accept your choice of husband out of sheer gratitude alone. I would bring a fast pair of horses in case your father isn't feeling grateful...
Holding this quill is very difficult as I am a Ghost. I was actually one of your soldiers before I was killed. I was actually very close to being your Captain of the Guards, but somebody killed me after Verminaard won. I have come back to haunt Nottingham but I need some help. I'm too nice. Can you give me some advice on how to be nastier?
You are one of the greatest Nasty people I know of, so any advice would be helpful. I need to be a better Ghost or I'll be fired and have to sit in the Afterlife for a long long time doing nothing except maybe a desk job and that would be very boring indeed. So please help me.
Nan ~ A Mouthy Ghost
Formerly from Wickham
Dear Mouthy Ghost,
I don't believe in ghosts, of course, but I'm willing to tackle your problem. It's either this or going through the accounts...again. All right, so you wish to be cruel and nasty. You want to frighten everyone in Nottingham. Well, I
have the perfect position for you, Nan. Who does everyone dread the most? Who does everyone go out of their way to avoid? Yes, that's right: me. However, my position is already taken so I suggest you take another and become...the most frightening tax collector in Nottingham - nay - England! Ghosts can convince people to do anything! I once gave up a whole slew of jewels to the Baron de
Belleme because I thought he was a ghost! My men, who will shoot a rat if it looks at them funny, dropped their crossbows when they thought they were facing Loxley's ghost!
Perhaps you don't believe that this is terrifying enough for someone in your position. Well, imagine popping up in Edward of Wickham's dark, damp hut and
demanding 15 pennies from him! Think of all the money we could reap! Oh, the possibilities are endless! You must become a tax collector. It is the
most evil and despicable thing you could possibly do.
One of my good friends at my husband's castle told me that you were exceptional at giving good advice to people, and so I just needed to reach you immediately! You see, whenever my husband brings home men to feast with him, he always calls upon me to dance for the company. I do not mean to sound arrogant, but I am the best dancer in the land and I am very proud of it. Well, whenever I perform I am always afraid and the worst part about it is that my ladies-in-waiting are always watching me, whispering and giggling. They criticize my every move and make me feel like a fool. They cause me to make disastrous mistakes in my routine or to trip and tumble and look rather clumsy. Then I always end up the laughingstock of the party and I end up in tears! Even my husband will laugh! It happens every time, Sir Guy, and I'm sick of it! Please tell me, what do you suggest? I am very open to advice in this particular instance!
~Igrayne of Tintagel
Dear Queen Igrayne,
I am most honoured that you should choose to favour me with your troubles and trust me to bring you peace of mind. Your story reminds me of a dark passage from my own life. A young man had come to the castle. His name was Ralph...Oh, how I hated him! There was nothing he couldn't do right! He delighted in making me look like a fool. The Sheriff loved him, of course, and probably would have given him my position if Ralph hadn't met with an unfortunate accident...I think that your ladies-in-waiting should have unfortunate accidents too...or they might simply disappear. Yes, that's good. It's not as messy and there are no loose ends to worry about. But who could possibly assist you with such a task? Think hard. There must be some young man who wishes to rise in court and perhaps catch your husband's eye. Take him into your confidence and promise to speak on his behalf if he assists you in your plan.
Now, I realize that you're a dancer. If you find that you don't have the, er...stomach for such a course, I have come up with an alternate plan. The next time your husband commands you to perform, politely decline by telling him that a far better dancer exists at court. When the king asks who the dancer is, you will point to one of your ladies-in-waiting. If I am correct, she will be completely unprepared and utterly humiliated. Your courage should return and the women should think twice before they make a fool out of you. However, if they persist in such impudent behaviour, choose another lady. Go through the whole lot of them if you have to. If they aren't more respectful towards you in a month's time, I'm Robin Hood's brother!
Forgive me for writing to you again, but now I face an even more important problem than the last. Your and I followed it just and I followed it just as you said, making a fool of each one of my ladies-in-waiting. They are all now so much more respectful to me than they were before. Even my husband is amazed at their change of behaviour. But now, to the present problem. Yesterday, my husband made a truce with the man whom he was fighting against, Lord Uther. He acknowledged the man as king and, in turn, received a beautiful piece of land by the sea. My husband, the Duke of Cornwall, then invited Lord Uther to feast with him at his castle. My husband once again called upon me to dance, which I did (without any mistakes, I might add!), and shortly after that, Lord Uther broke his truce with my husband. Apparently, the man enjoyed my dancing very much...but even now, Uther lays siege upon my husband's castle, and when I asked my husband what it was for, he said that Uther wants to seize me and take me away with him! Please help me to escape this horrible fate! I love my husband dearly and I would never wish to betray him, ever! Even now I can hear the screams of the men outside as they fight to make their way into Tintagel! Help me, Sir Guy! What should I do?
~Igrayne of Tintagel
Dear Queen Igrayne,
Please forgive the presumption, but I believe that I am better able to assist
you with this...delicate problem than my lord of Gisburne. Perhaps you're
familiar with a maxim once coined by Merlin: "Eating that cake is like looking into the
future. Until you've tasted it what do you really know?" Well, I have tasted many cakes and I know what will come to pass. Actually, my lord of Gisburne has also tasted many cakes. However, he uses his powers of prophecy to predict the outcome of tournaments or what style of chainmail will be in fashion next season.
Destiny will soon demand a great sacrifice from you, Your Majesty. You will experience sorrow, but you will help create a legend. You may despise Uther now, but your names will be linked in the annals of history. Your Majesty, I cannot give you a clear indication of what path you should follow, though I believe your course will soon be made apparent. I fear that even if you tried to escape Uther, the Fates would unite you soon enough. Be brave and persevere. You are about to fulfill the role for which you were born. You can take some pride and solace in that knowledge at least.
Sir Guy of Gisburne's personal secretary and drudge,
I have a...um...friend who is in desperate need of your help, but she refuses
to write to you for advice, so I am writing on her behalf. My friend was kidnapped
by this man, who found himself attracted to her, and taken into the forest by him.
He was quite handsome and he wished for my friend to marry him, but she refused him
constantly. Robin Hood and the wolfsheads turned up just in time to save her
from this man, and she was all right. But now she informs me that she wishes she had
married the handsome, young, blond man instead of letting the wolfsheads take her
home. Please help me...uh, her...Sir Guy! What can she do?
~Sarah
Dear Sarah,
So your friend has come crawling back, has she? That strumpet! Does she really think
that I would want her after the way she treated me? I could accept the crying, the
wailing and the struggling, but when she turned to those wolfsheads for help...Well,
I know I could never marry her. Besides, I'm already engaged to a beautiful lady with
a beautiful dowry. She's even Christian, so I don't have to convert her!
I'm not entirely heartless, however. If she truly can't live without me, she can visit
me at the castle. She seems like a discreet sort of girl. I'm certain we could keep
it a secret from Lady E...
I find myself torn and I don’t know where to turn. You see, I am engaged to a handsome Moor, but when I went to surprise him with some breakfast that I had made myself, I found him in bed with a local tavern wench. As I fled the inn in tears, I happened to look up and saw the most incredible sight. From the castle came a knight on horseback, his silky blond hair glistening in the sun. He looked like Apollo awaiting his chariot. His eyes were as blue as crystal, but he had the saddest look I had ever seen. Suddenly I wanted to do anything to make him smile. Sir Guy, what should I do? Should I stay with my unfaithful Moor or should I turn my attention elsewhere?
My heart is in your hands.
With a torn heart,
Lady Tiger
Dear Lady Tiger,
Hmm...should you choose the handsome but unfaithful Moor or Sir Apollo...? Well, really! You are a remarkably silly woman if you don’t know the answer! Unless the Moor is wealthy, what possible use could you have for him? He obviously has little use for you! Now, if I actually cared I might be concerned that you’re aiming a bit high by pursuing Sir Apollo...
Do you have a good dowry? Are you pretty? Even if Sir Apollo happens to notice you with his sad eyes, you may have to work hard to keep his attention. It sounds as if he has other matters on his mind...However, I believe that you would do well to gain him as a suitor. Put on your nicest gown and place yourself in his path at every opportunity. If he won’t woo you, arrange to have yourself kidnapped. Knights always fall for that routine!
