How to treat a leg wound

My lord of Gizzauw!


I aaaah am seeking your aaaaaaaaaadvice for the fooollowing proooaaaahooblem:

When riding through aaah Sherwood one of those miseraaaaaaaahble outlaws, that Scarlet guy tried to take my money aaaaaaaawwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. AAAAUW! And shot an--aaaauw!--arrow through me leg.

AAAAI!!!!! How am I to get it OOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWT?????

Your tax collector AAAAAi,
Edmund of AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH


Dear Edmund of AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH,


I believe in all certainty and with little doubt in my mind, that you should remove the arrow from your leg. Better still, get someone to remove it for you. This could prove difficult as most people despise tax collectors. However, if you manage to find help, there are some things your rescuer can do.

If he is willing to convey you to a physician, DON'T allow him to remove the arrow. He can place dressings round the wound to help stop the bleeding. If this man won't take you to a physician, then you'll have to rely on him to remove the arrow. In order to do this, the man should heat his dagger over a fire. When it is good and hot, he must cut into your leg and attempt to remove the arrow as cleanly as he can. Be certain that there are plenty of bandages or rags to staunch the blood. It would be wise to give these instructions before he cuts into the leg. You may faint when the blade goes in.

Considering how long that arrow has been in your leg, you'll probably need a poultice. You can crush and boil tree bark, roots or leaves, then wrap them in a cloth. Apply it to the wound when it's hot, but not scalding. It should draw out the pus. Change the dressings if they are wet or begin to smell. If the leg turns green, you'll have to chop it off.

Some of my guards will be passing through Sherwood in the next couple of days. If you're still there, I'll have them fetch you. Lately, tax collectors have been harder to come by than guards.

The fine art of backstabbing

Dear Guy,


I seem to be having a hard time of backstabbing in my office. I don't have much experience backstabbing as I have just recently acquired some power. However, I am evil and will do whatever it takes to destroy all opposition to my quest for Power. In short, what tips do you have for the few out there who know they are destined for greatness but don't have the time or patience to wait for it?

Signed,

Backstabbing in the
Bay Area


Dear Backstabbing in the Bay Area,


Backstabbing is an acquired skill, but it isn't an impossible craft to learn. You don't need to concoct intricate plots or even be particularly clever to backstab. However, when the opportunity presents itself, you must be able to recognize it and act at once. For example, when I had been placed in a position of disgrace due to a simple misunderstanding on King John's part, I was given the opportunity to improve my fortune.

I was blamed when Robin Hood rescued some prisoners from the quarry, but I made damn sure I wouldn't play the scapegoat a second time. Instead, I shifted the responsibility to my liege's Seneschal, Peter de Leon, and informed King John that the escape from the quarry had all been a part of my plan to introduce a spy, Henry Skipton, into the camp. I reminded His Majesty that if de Leon had listened to me when I had tried to explain about my plan, then this fiasco would never have occurred. Thus, de Leon was dragged to the dungeon and I gained favour with King John.


If you were to only remember one lesson about backstabbing it should be this one: ALWAYS try to place the responsibility on someone else's shoulders. You must rid yourself of all culpability. Make them look incompetent. You were right and remained loyal all along. As you've just acquired some Power, you should watch your back. You should also begin thinking about how you might get some more. The best way to do this is to choose someone who currently holds the position you desire and backstab him.

Snitch on him and spread nasty rumours behind his back. If there's a mishap he can be blamed for, blame him. Whatever it takes, you must blacken his name and improve your own in the process.

Guarding against the Guards

My lord of Gisburne,


Over the past few weeks of my service at Nottingham Castle's kitchen, I have noticed an alarming change in guard attitudes towards female staff members. When taking up positions at the castle, women could always have a rather accurate picture of what to expect - the occasional remark, or perhaps even something a bit more physical - which should pose no major problems, I'm sure you'll agree. However, more and more of my colleagues are beginning to feel genuinely threatened, and some of the younger girls (myself included) no longer feel safe running errands on our own. I do not wish to suggest that your commanding could be improved upon - you are, as far as I am in any position to judge, a most capable leader. I would, however, be most grateful if you could provide me and my colleagues with some advice as to how to handle the situation. Have you any idea what caused this change in attitude - which I am sure you must have noticed, as any capable commander would have - in the first place?

With deepest respect,

Mary Jane


Dear Mary Jane,


What my men are doing is despicable and wrong! They should be utterly ashamed of themselves! Neglecting their duties to chase women! Their purpose in life is to hunt down wolfsheads! I'll certainly do my part to remind them that their prime duty is to maintain justice in this shire. However, soldiers are soldiers and many of them possess a wandering eye, saucy tongue and eager hands...

I think the trouble lies with you girls. You're struggling too hard. You've created a challenge for them and now they're determined to conquer it. You're irresistable because you resist. Mary Jane, the only way to frighten away these idiots is to give in to their advances. You and your "colleagues" should leap into their arms and cry: "A husband at last! Oh, I've found a husband at last!" Then, as you cover their faces with kisses, you can confess how you've always wished for a cozy little home and a dozen children to share it with. If that doesn't send them fleeing from the kitchens, I don't know what will!

Hot and Bothered in the Kitchen

Dearest Sir Guy,


I have been working in the Sheriff's kitchen for several months now and I have to admit that I have been secretly admiring you from afar. Your devotion to defeating the outlaw, Robin Hood, I have always found to be very exciting. A week ago I decided to go to the forest to see what sort of odious person this Robin Hood was. Imagine my surprise when I saw that he was not a vile and repugnant looking troll, as your attitude towards him led me to believe, but a virile, handsome adonis - much like yourself of course. My problem is this - now I have my eyes on two attractive young men and I can't decide which one to pursue. Please, Sir Guy, give me your vast wisdom on this quandry. I am waiting to hear from you.

Hot & Bothered in the Kitchen


Dear Hot & Bothered,


So that Wolfshead and his league of devil worshippers have bewitched you as well, have they? Robin Hood is in fact a very short, troll-like creature who eats shrubs and communes with strange men wearing antlers. He may appear to have...adonis-like features, but it is all just a wicked pagan spell. Why are you really drawn to him? Is it because he's an earl's son? Hmmph! If only we could all use that line on the ladies! Of course, I've never needed it. No, I don't need to hide behind a title or sniff strange herbs to make myself appealing. It was the blue cape, wasn't it? Or perhaps the nasal helmet and chainmail? Yes, if you're going to hide behind something, you could do no better than a fine suit of armour!

Listen, H & B, do you want some filthy cutthroat who believes in fairies and was insane enough to give up an earldom, or would you prefer a taller, more handsome, law-abiding knight? I think the decision is obvious. If it isn't, I'm certain I could find several interesting ways to persuade you...

Necking ze Chicken

Cher Sir Guy,


Ze stories of 'aw wonderful you solve problems 'ave even reached us 'ere in France. My name is Louise de Chouville, and my 'usband is a blacksmith. After a long day of work 'e is always very 'ungry. 'Is favourite meal is chicken stew, and it is 'ere where lies my probleme. I 'ave certain problems with necking chickens for ze pot. I feed those poor animals every day and they trust me. Then I 'ave to betray zem and kill zem. Zat is a big problem. I just can't get myself to kill zem. I go down to ze shed with my knife, planning on necking zem, but zen I see those poor animals, who fully trust me and I can't get myself to do so. Ze result: no chicken stew. My 'usband does not like zat at all.

I know zat you are an expert in killing and it is zerfore zat I ask for 'elp. I 'ope you can give me zome advice on how to get myself to neck zose chickens for ze stew.

Zanks in advance,

Louise de Chouville


Dear Madame de Chouville,


Your problem deeply concerns me. I pictured your poor husband without his chicken stew and my stomach growled in sympathy. This cannot continue, Madame! You must kill the fowl and kill them quickly! Forget about such trivial matters as trust and affection. These things just get in the way, which is why I rid myself of such sentiments long ago. However, I understand how a passionate French woman such as yourself (Oh la la!) might have difficulty disciplining herself in this regard. If this is the case, try picturing the chickens as Robin Hood and his filthy band of cutthroats. Imagine their rebellious eyes and their awful pagan ways. Harden your heart. You've just been shot in the arm again and you just want to reach out and...Oh, I suppose if you've just been shot in the arm again you would have trouble striking down a chicken.

Ah, my secretary has been desperately plucking at my cape for the longest time. What is it, Funny Voice? Do you want to be necked too? Oh, it would seem that she has some advice of her own. It isn't as good as mine of course, but I occasionally humour her silly whims. WHAT?

She suggests you find a butcher to kill your chickens or, failing that, a kindly neighbour. (Kindly neighbour? Ha, ha, ha!) If you cannot afford to pay this person, you could offer him a portion of the spoils, perhaps a whole chicken once in awhile. God's Blood, that's terrible! Couldn't she just order him to do it? Not in France? Oh, very well then! Well, Madame, you've received two pieces of advice and I'm certain you'll be sensible enough to choose the best one: mine.

Troubled with the Bow

Dearest Sir Guy,


I am a young woman who is attempting to broaden her horizons by learning about archery. My problem is that I can't hit anything, especially moving targets. (Not that I was responsible for the arrow that almost took you out last week when you were out in Sherwood Forest or anything.) Do you have any advice on how to improve this? Also, is there any way to tell which way the deer is going to bolt when you take aim at it? (Not that I was the one who shot the Sheriff's horse yesterday when he was riding near the deer herd or anything.) Also, since you, in your valiant efforts to catch that horrible outlaw band headed by Robin Hood, have come in contact with them many times, I was wondering do they have any minimum archery requirements to join? (Not that joining Robin Hood's band since I was a young child has been a goal and that was the only reason I took up archery or anything.)

Yours,

Troubled with the bow

XOXO




Dear Troubled,


I have a good mind to track you down this instant and arrest you! I can't tell if you're a peasant or a noblewoman by this letter, though I suspect the latter if you were able to write this. I once believed that a lady would be incapable of such scandalous behaviour, but I've met Marion of Leaford, who is an excellent shot. I should know!

I suppose you aspire to be just like Lady Wolfshead, don't you? Well, it's madness I tell you! I'll have no more armed women in Sherwood or Nottingham! I don't think my back could withstand another encounter with a crossbow bolt! Surely, there are other more suitable interests for a lady? Why, you could engage in some sewing, for example. Think how useful you'd be in a battlefield when a wound needed tending to. Oh, and there's cooking too! There are just too many times when a soldier must go without a good meal! In Sherwood, all you'd get to cook would be venison.

Forget that rabble in Sherwood. Do you think they'd appreciate you? Do you think you'd even be allowed near a pot with that fat friar there? If you truly wish for a life of adventure, you could do no better than attach yourself to some soldiers. In fact, there's a perfectly good barracks right here in Nottingham Castle.

[Secretary's note: Listen, if you decide to accept Sir Guy's nearly generous offer, ask to speak with me. I think I can find a more interesting use for your talents. There may even be a task involving Robin Hood and archery after all...]

To Read or to Feast?

Dear Sir Guy,


I desperately need your esteemed advice; I am in love with two men and I do not know which to choose. They are both dashing, but in different ways. Lord Vaughn hosts the best parties; he invites the whole shire to dances with the best minstrels and they last all night long, but he is not intellectual. He doesn't own a library and becomes very frustrated whenever I want a little quiet time to read. Richard, on the other hand, is very intellectual. He owns the largest library in the county and invites me to use it whenever I wish. He also writes the most beautiful poetry and he loves to read it to me. However, he becomes frustrated whenever I wish to go to one of Lord Vaughn's dances; he doesn't like to go to parties. Oh, Sir Guy, I need your help! I am so desperate I even thought of asking Herne for help; perhaps he could combine them into the perfect man. What do you think?

Forever yours,

Lady Fenella


Dear Lady Fenella,


Greetings. May I say, first of all, that you mustn't consult with that heathen Herne under any circumstances! If you really wish to find the perfect man you need look no farther than this castle! However, as I am engaged to the beautiful Lady Elysande perhaps it would be wiser for you to focus your attention on the two lords you speak of in your letter.

My lady, I have considered the matter carefully and I believe you would benefit if you chose the dashing Lord Vaughn. Not only does he sound a damned sight more interesting than Lord Richard, but he has connections too! If you want a rich and powerful husband, chose a man who associates with all the best, not some oaf who shuts himself up in a library! What use has books ever been to anybody? A good feast, on the other hand, provides entertainment and opportunity. It sounds as if Lord Vaughn will go far. I suggest you do your utmost to be there for the journey.

Trapping That Outlaw Groom

Dear Sir Guy,


I seem to have a little problem! You see, due to an extremely bizarre set of circumstances, I have been jilted! My adopted father, Kieran of Traherne (bless his dear departed soul) set up a betrothal for me simply years ago with the son of one of his dearest friends. Of late, the plans he made have gone astray and I am in great mental distress! You see, I am quite desperately in love with the man who was to be my fiancé! We have known each other since we were five! We have always adored one another! Really, I am quite heartbroken! Like most ladies of my station, I went away to court as was expected. When I came back, prepared to joyfully wed the man my father chose for me, it was only to discover that he had run off with a woman who was once a friend of mine! Why you ask? To become an outlaw! A wolf's head! I cannot believe it! The son of one of the country's most prominent and wealthy earls ditchs all he has ever been born for (including marrying me) just to go off and play some silly game of knight and bandits! I am just crushed, especially since that shrew is responsible for the whole thing! Damn her! I need some help!

I can take care of the chit, but I cannot go traipsing off to Sherwood all by myself! A personage such as I simply cannot do such things! However, with a proper escort...I am thinking that I would very much like to have a little chat with the Mistress Wolf's Head! Perhaps, with a bit of persuasion, she can be made to rethink her current position in life! I am quite the accomplished ahem, herbalist. I am sure that I can make her see things my way...No, perhaps a swift away to the farthest convent will do, and if not...Well there are cures for such impediments as stubbornness, are there not? In any case, I am quite determined to win Robert back, no matter what it takes!

You will, of course, be well rewarded. You see, I am in a position to be - shall we say - of some use? (Did I mention that my new guardian is quite close to His Majesty?) I could use a good steward, especially one with wit and spine! In addition, there will be many opportunities for you to rise in stature once at Traherne. I am sure you will do quite well for yourself! As for Robert, I daresay taking care of his deeds of late will be no small matter, but I am confident that His Majesty will pardon him if I but ask nicely! He and I are on the best of terms! I look forward to further correspondence!

Your Graciousness Truly Appreciated!

Lady Morrighan of Traherne


Dear Lady Morrighan,


Such a long letter and such a complicated problem, my lady! My secretary had to read it to me several times before I could absorb it all! So that cutthroat has jilted you, has he? Well, I can hardly say I'm surprised, especially since Lady Wolfshead is involved! I'd like to do everything in my power to help you.

Now, I know for a fact that charging into Sherwood would be a mistake. You must draw that wolfshead out. Lure him out of Sherwood and he will be yours. However, he won't expose himself unless you can give him a good reason for taking such a risk. With this in mind, I shall arrest you. My secretary assures me that she has a means of contacting that wolfshead. If you agree to our plans, Huntington should soon appear to rescue you. It is then that we'll spring the trap...

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